Wait a minute,
"It's just sitting there displaying "Ready" with the "Ready" light on, then randomly, with me not printing anything, the rear door paper jam error comes up and the red attention light flashes until I open the rear door and pull the sheet out."
If you're just sitting there 'with me not printing anything', how does a sheet of paper get to the rear door?

You don't need a printer technician, you need an exorcist!!!